Gilmore Guys

Welcome to probably the most non-sequitur post we are likely to see on this blog, or maybe not maybe it's about to become a pop culture blog sending missives from 20 years ago back to today?? Anyway, I was recently persuaded to dive into Gilmore Girls (which I've always been curious about but never had occasion to try) and I've torn through a season and change in just a few weeks. Rather than continue to annoy my friends with my Takes, I thought I'd drop by here with my Official Ranking of Gilmore Girls Dudes, circa Season One. After the jump: who could possibly care about this!

First, a clarification: Gilmore Girls is delightful mostly in that it's a quippy and light early-aughts dramedy that's actually focused on women, written by a woman, and has wonderfully dimensional characters across the board. The women in the show are, gratifyingly, more important than the dudes. However, since I've been annoying my fave Michigander with my gripes about the dudes specifically, that's who we're here to discuss today. Final caveats: YES I am aware that Discourse was in a different place in 2000, and YES I am aware that depiction is not endorsement. I am a big fan of the show for the time being, stop shouting at me. 

SO: Men of Stars Hollow And Its Environs, from worst to best, as of the top of S2:

9. Tristin: Your classic trust-fund aggro rich kid whose two modes are "let me be cruel and insulting to you because of my insecurities" and "let me be cruel and insulting to you because I like you and do not know how to express emotions" (see below for more on this). Clearly the character in this show who most needs to be sent to gaol or AT LEAST pushed into a massive citrus-infused custard of some type.

8. Dean: Ah, Dean, you creep. Season one had the "I love you" [Rory does not know how she feels and is awkward about it; Dean yells at her and storms off] narrative arc that somehow turned into an "ah, Rory needs to be less afraid of commitment than her mom is" teaching moment instead of an "actually if a guy yells at you for not reciprocating his feelings or uses his gesture of kindness as a reason you have to treat him a certain way, maybe you should never talk to him again" teaching moment. (This sentence was a train wreck, I apologize, it's late and I hate Dean.) Anyhow, after one quite unobjectionable episode for the ol' Deanster, he's back to screaming at Rory for adding volunteering to her three (3) days of summer school a week, thus criminally reducing the amount of time they have together. I assume by the end of the season he will be screaming at her for taking the SATs instead of riding this "totally gnarly tilt-a-whirl I rented from the carnival for you this morning" and telling her she doesn't know how to love another person. Rory: if yr dude is trying to force Hunter S Thompson on you because 19th century female novelists are lame, this is a good signal to get out as early as you can.

8. Christopher: I'll be real with you: I forgot about Christopher until I was about to hit publish. For being as important as he is to the titular Girls, he has fallen immediately out of my brain, which feels meaningful. What I do remember now that I'm doubling back to add him to this list is that he did that really really really neat thing of passing passive aggressive messages to Lorelai through their daughter. No thanks!

7.  Max: Look, I'm in the "Lorelai and Max just got engaged" story beat here and NO THANKS. He was possibly oversold to me as a funny/brilliant/sexy guy, where I see more of a wet-blanket, slightly-pretentious, overly-grasping maniac who... puts way too much on Lorelai almost from the drop. Is it a wonderful beat to have his avalanche of sunflowers at the end of S1 become set decoration everywhere in S2? Sure is! Are massive romantic gestures deployed in the midst of unhealthy relationship dynamics manipulative efforts to control outcomes through sheer force of will? Sure are! Is my antipathy fueled by the thought that he feels to me like the statistical average of Zach Braff and Ray Romano? Back off, jack, this is MY blog post and I decide which of my reasons we dwell on and which we don't!

6. Rune: This is a tough call, as Max has many moments of being more intelligent, handsome, witty, and sincere than Rune, who is functionally the middle toe on your left foot. However, Rune is straightforward, non-manipulative, and essentially neutral in his repulsive worminess, so he gets this by a hair. Ask me again tomorrow and maybe I'll flip 'em.

5. Richard: Yes, he is an insufferable blowhard and talks too much about Reginald Down At The Club and has a real I-it I-thou problem when it comes to domestic employees (shoutout to T for grabbing the Buber framework for that one). But (and I will not be using this excuse for real world humans thank you) wealth does seem to be a profound and debilitating disease, and the human Richard who crawls out to apologize to Rory or help Lorelai escape a dreary setup or get excited about giving gifts... we appreciate him. He would probably be one slot higher if I were braver than I am, frankly.

4.  Luke: Everybody started yelling at me in the Tufts Grad Pals group chat when I asked the simple, reasonable, and necessary question "Luke seems ok but do we really need to find the performance of emotional unavailability charming???" BUT I WILL NOT RELENT. OK, I get that Luke is steady and reliable and that the whole carrying-a-flame thing is a time-tested linchpin of romcoms. But I don't have a lot of patience (in life OR ART apparently) for dudes who live out bell hooks's keen observation on how men are socially conditioned to avoid expressing any emotion other than anger or irritability, and the performance of disaffection, apathy, or irritability is... very annoying, TO ME. Still, dude wears that blue hat well, has (marginally) more emotional intelligence than Max, and has devoted his life to a diner, which is a moral virtue in itself. Fine. B-.

3.  Michel: Look, I just said what I said about feelings, and Michel's monologue about his ennui earns him this spot. Dude owns his sadness and irritability, is marvelously contemplative and balanced in his utter disdain for his surroundings, and seems too exhausted to bear any specific malice toward anyone else. I desire that this man should live forever.

2. Kirk: I cannot recommend Kirk as a romantic partner, but who says your worth has to be measured by your love life? Hahahaha who says? NOBODY probably let's not talk about it! Look: Kirk is confident, annoying, has about 80 jobs, seems simultaneously to know (and be known to) everybody and yet appear as a total stranger nearly every time he shows up on screen. Most importantly: Kirk is comfortable in his cowardice, and knows when it's time to run offscreen because things are going poorly. The Rosencrantz/Guildenstern of the show.

1. Jackson: Literally flawless. Receptive to Sookie's needs and feelings, quick to voice his own feelings as he discerns them, able to set healthy boundaries (at least when cooking dinner for her). Always arrives with a tray full of vegetables or, sometimes, fruit. Deserves all the happiness that this life can afford.

OK! I look forward to finishing this show and discovering that I was extremely wrong about all of these men! Rory and Lorelai you can do better! OK goodnight!